Letter # 1 - Stu

Dear Abba,

My Abba. I love you.

I finally understand what you were trying to tell me not that long ago, and while I can never fully understand Him, I know Him a little bit more than I once did. I don’t claim to understand or have perfect knowledge of He who is beyond space and time, the unlimited Logos; but I know Him better than I once did, and that is enough for me. And, if He wills it, maybe tomorrow I will know Him more than I did today.

You once tried to teach me that my relationship with Christ is not one of legislative monarch and subordinate citizen. I thought of myself as the citizen who either pleases the monarch with his deeds or faces the wrath of the executioner – but I was naïve at the time, only understanding Him as the Sovereign who reigns, who was, and who is to come on Judgement Day. I forgot about Him as Good Shepherd, as Beloved, as the Field where my soul finds rest.

You see, when one struggles with a specific sin, as I did (and do), it’s quite difficult to get past that sin. I’ll personify that sin as a being, Stu. It’s a name most appropriate because Stu shares much of his nature with stew itself. Stew is an interesting food, you place meat, aromatics, spices, and liquid in a large pot, and you begin to cook it down. When the stew first enters the pot, while it’s still loose and yet to thicken, it’s easily removed; however, the longer the stew stays on the heat, the more moisture evaporates from the pot, and the more viscous the stew becomes. So it is that when the stew has thickened, it is much harder to clean the pot and return it to its first state. The longer the stew is on the heat, and the thicker it becomes, the more laborious it becomes for the dishwasher to clean the pot. So it is with Stu.

Yet, there is more to the stew than just the contents of the pot, that is, the stew reaches further than just the immediate vicinity of the pot. For having been filled with spices, the stew fills the home with an aroma, reaching areas the cook had not contemplated. If the stew is only on the heat for a short while, again the aroma is easily removed, but if it remains longer, the aroma becomes a long fixture in the home. Not only that, but at some point in time, the senses of the cook become accustomed to the scent of the stew, so that the cook himself does not realize the stew has rotted his home with smell. It is only when the cook removes himself from the home, and smells fresh air, that he realizes his home has been littered with an aroma. Having realized this, the cook will struggle to clear his home of the aroma, and perhaps even to the extent of removing the stew from the heat. For it is not till the stew is removed that its effects also can be dealt with.

Let us then presume this smell had lingered, and after some time the cook cleared the smell of stew. The cook would soon realize the air within his home is still not as fresh as the air outside. You see, for the smell of the stew had perhaps been so strong, that it had covered the smell of rotting vegetables in the fridge. A little while later, after removing the rotting vegetables, the cook will realize that the rotting vegetables covered the stench of the unwashed laundry. So it is, Abba, with my sins.

It’s only once Stu was removed, or possibly his grasp weakened on me, that I could smell all the other rot within me. Some would say this is a sad reality, that we are filled with all this filth from our corruption, but what is sad about healing? What is sad about one who was hoarding and has begun to remove the clutter from his heart? I see it as a time of rejoicing, for I am being cleansed. So rejoice O my soul!

The events of today led me to realize my renewed relationship with my Beloved. Not that I should ever be glad over my falling, but there remained something to be learned in my weakness.

It was, that over a little period of time now, Stu called me. He whispered to me memories of old, enticing me to spend some time with him. The strength which it took to ignore Stu was dependent upon when he called. In the midst of a gathering with friends, I was occupied and Stu was easily pushed to the side; but when I was away from others, and perceived myself alone, I say perceived because my Beloved always remained, then it was more difficult to ignore Stu. I could not rely on the intrusions of others to save me, only upon His grace.

Finally, in my weakness today, I picked up Stu’s call, even if it was only for a short period, I answered him. He painted our memories of old as though they were times of happiness and not times of pain. Abba, it almost reminds me of my past relationships. For, in the past, I have determined myself not compatible with a person, ended the relationship, only to be reminded some months later of the times of good with that individual and not all the negative which led to incompatibility – and the relationship’s end. So I trick myself, thinking why did I ever leave? For a moment, Stu promised me something he was not. As soon as I answered him, I rediscovered his deceit.

It was in this moment of weakness that my mind turned to my Beloved and I understood your previous message. In fact, I wasn’t concerned that my Lord had created a rule and I had disobeyed it, for the rule was not the end. My concern was that my Beloved is completely and entirely good. No evil exists in Him. In allowing myself to mingle with Stu, I entertained something that exists outside of my Beloved; but all I want is to unite with Him, and so I have to avoid all which is outside of Him. Not because He has placed any rules upon me, but because I love Him, because there is nothing apart from Him that satisfies my soul. And so, I turned to Him apologizing for my dialogue with Stu.

What came next helped me know Him a little more. As I stood, repenting in my prayer corner, I did not see a God of wrath, nor did I see a monarch ready to chastise me for my disobedience. I saw the love of the Father to His repentant son. I saw joy in His eyes as I ran to Him, and a smile on His lips as I uttered my remorse to Him. I saw a Father who knew me better than I know myself, who knew that at that time, I did not require a God of Judgement, but I required Love, Compassion; I required the warm embrace of His arms as He stretched them open for me. And, as I ran into His out stretched arms, I saw the perfect picture of Love, knowing that this was not the first time His stretched out arms had saved me.

Pray for me Abba,

Your weak son